Change

If you do not understand my words you will never understand my silence. 
If you do not believe the same way as I do, you will never know my inward happiness.
If you do not sit with me, you'll never know how to stand beside me. 

There is so much more to me than there is time to explain
Life is so much more than the next party or laughter.
Sometimes there is a real need for silence and stillness

As I come into this new chapter of my life I reflect upon my own person, my relationships, and my friendships
Things will change as I will change and this is not always bad it is just time
I do not want to have this albatross around my neck any longer. 
No one will truly understand this meaning unless you've really looked within yourself and there is really no other place to look but up. 

God is truly my only saving grace and I so want a greater relationship with Him.
It is not enough to simply put it on paper, it is a daily activity and a change of life
Idols come in all different fashions and what a revelation that I have been worshiping this "idol" far too long. 

I feel almost reborn today and for this I am truly grateful.
Understand it or not, accept it or not, I will go through this metamorphosis and those that recognize the face on the butterfly will love my wings and new being.  For those who do not, I will truly miss you but the inner me needs more than any one person on this earth can offer me. 

Do not judge me for the only ONE that can, will never judge me and that He has promised me.  Judgement Day will come and I will answer for everything I have done, said, and thought.  THIS is what I want to change.  I know that Satan is on the look out for this and at this time I pray for His loving arms around me until I feel like I can fight this battle again.  My soul is tired and needs to find its place again.

My Paranoia

Is it me or are they talking about me? 
Is it me or are they avoiding me? 
Is it me or am I the last one to know things?
Is it me or do I really even care?

My paranoia brings me to several conclusions and most of the time I'm right so is it truly paranoia or is it intuition. 

Call it what you will but there are times that I wonder of those around me think that I am truly ignorant of them and their antics.  It truly amazes me.  I don't believe for one minute that I am that important for people to talk about me but it could be that I struck a nerve at one point. Am I mean by pointing out the obvious?  Some might say yes, I say SNAP OUT OF IT and come back to reality. 

We don't live in the rainbow world of cupcakes and daisies.  I appreciate my life but I don't love it and that is the honest truth.  I do love those around me but if one decides that I'm not that friend they wished me to be, then so be it.  I love my family members but if I don't live up to their standards then I blame them for having to high of a standard. 

I have a hard enough time judging myself to sit and judge others.  I know I have and for that I am truly wrong but I don't sit back and think that everyone else is wrong and that I am right.  I am not absolute.  I like to have conversations that have give and take.  One sided conversations are boring because I tend to be quiet and let others talk.  At that point, I have already decided that what they have to say is unimportant.  Is that wrong?  I don't know but my intuition, or my paranoia, tells me that they don't care for what I have to say anyway.

Is it me or is everyone else?

Alone I Stand

Within a crowd of people
When all is crazed or at peace
No matter what I am given to attack or craddle
Alone I Stand

No matter how blessed or cursed
No matter who is hurt
No matter where I lay my head
Alone I Stand

With the world before me
The past behind me
And the wind beneath me
Alone I Stand

With all the power that has been given me
All the humility I can find
With all the sanity that I bring
Alone I Stand

Alone I Stand but never lonely
My God enpowers me
Alone I stand with strength, courage, and love
For I am truly blessed to Stand Alone

BE STILL......

Around January last year I felt it for the first time.  I was bundled up in my sweats and sneakers and here it came.  Like fire under my skin.  The walls started to close in on me and I felt like I needed to run and lay down all at the same time.  "What the heck was that?" I thought to myself.  It was the start of my madness.  It was the beginning of what I had witnessed in others but never experienced in my own body.  A hot flash.  Holy moly it nearly knocked me down.  I'm too young for this though....aren't I?  Most likely not. 

The next month my body started to change again.  "What now?" I asked it.  And well, it answered.  Mother nature had dealt me a rather hard blow and it was a river of red.  I never felt like my insides were going to come out until that day.  I couldn't even stand up straight.  "Would this pain and discomfort ever end?"  Yes, about eight days later. 

The following month I thought I would lose my mind.  I could not wrap myself around what I knew was normal anymore.  Nothing clicked like it used to.  The colors were not the same in my mind.  The songs had all changed their lyrics.  I had started to see the world so differently.....or was it that I was seeing myself differently.  Did I even recognize myself.  It was hard to tell. 

It's been a year since this all started and nothing has been the same since that first day last January.  I have struggled to figure out who I am again.  Starting over without the benefit of time and youth.  Is this nature's way of saying "It's the beginning of the end kiddo.  Get used to it." or is it God telling me "THIS is who I want you to be".  I have always read that I should "Be still and listen" but I never did.  I was always so busy working and doing for others that I never took inventory of what I was doing to myself or my belongings.  I finanlly did "sit and be still".  It was amazing the ovature that I heard.  It was beyond the ocean sining its songs to me.  It was more than the wind whistling its beautiful tunes.  It was God talking and I said "I'm hear.  I NEED to hear you Lord." and He spoke to me.  It took a while for me to really hear Him but I did.  He told me to sit down and be quite.  He told me to take inventory of not my physical surroundings but of my inward collection of thoughts.  Wow, I found it.  I found Him standing right there waiting for me to say, "I'm done doing this on my own." and He said, "It's about time you let me take control". 

I have let my God take control and I have regained a peace that only He can give me.  I have heard others talk about this peace and I THOUGHT I had that peace once but no.....not even close.  THIS.....This is having peace.  I cannot begin to share what "being still" has done. 

I am chosing to BE STLL because in being still, HE can move mountains.